+ ~ -
 
Please report pronunciation problems here. Select and sample other voices. Options Pause Play
 
Report an Error
Go!
 
Go!
 
TOC
 

THE DOOM OF ENGLISH WILLS.
CATHEDRAL NUMBER TWO.

MR. WILLIAM WALLACE, having taken some
repose in the bosom of his family, and having
recruited his nervous system, impaired for
the moment by the formidable demonstrations
made in unimpeachable Ecclesiastical Registry
number one, resolved on making a visit to
unimpeachable Ecclesiastical Registry number
two; upheld by the consideration that,
although an Ecclesiastical Registry is a fine
Institution, for which any Englishman would
willingly die; and without which he could,
in no patriotic acceptation worth mentioning,
be an Englishman at all; still, that the last
wills and testaments of Englishmen are not
exactly waste-paper, and that their depositaries
ought, perhaps, to be kept as drysay as
skittle grounds, which are a cheaper luxury
than Registries, with the further advantage
that no man need frequent them unless he
likes: whereas, to Registries he must go.

The literary object which Mr. Wallace had
in view, in this second expedition, beckoned
him to the North of England. "Indeed," said
Mr. Wallace, pausing. " Possibly, to the second
city of England; an Archbishopric; giving one
of the princes of the blood his title; enjoying
the dignity of a Lord Mayor of its own; an
ancient and notable place; renowned for its
antiquities; famous for its Cathedral;
possessing walls, four gates, six posterns, a castle,
an assembly-room, and a Mansion House;
this is surely the place for an unimpeachable
Registry!"

With his mind much encouraged, and his
expectations highly raised, Mr. Wallace
embraced his family, and departed for the North
by Railway. He arrived at the venerable city
of his purpose, at ten minutes past three P. M.,
according to Greenwich, or at three-ten,
according to Bradshaw.

Our traveller's first proceeding, was, to take
a walk round the walls, and gratify his fancy
with a bird's-eye-view of the unimpeachable
Registry. He could hardly hit upon the
roof of that important building. There was a
building in a severe style of architecture but
it was the jail. There was another that looked
commodious but it was the mansion house.
There were others that looked comfortable
but they were private residences. There
appeared to be nothing in the way of Registry,
answering to the famous monkish legend in a
certain Chapter-House:

As shines the rose above all common flowers,
So above common piles this building towers.

Yet such a building must be somewhere!
Mr. Wallace went into the town and bought
a Guide-book, to find out where.

The four gates were in the Guide-book all
rightthe six posterns were there, the assembly
room was there, the jail was there, the
mansion house was therebut no Registry.
"This is extraordinary," said Mr. Wallace,
"An unimpeachable Registry there indubitably
must be!"

He walked through the quiet narrow
streets, with their gabled houses, craning
their necks across the road to pry into one
another's affairs; and he saw the churches
where the people were married; and the
habitations where the doctors lived, who were
knocked up when the people were born; and
he accidentally passed the residence of Mrs.
Pitcher, who likewise officiated on those
occasions; and he remarked an infinity of shops
where every commodity of life was sold.
He saw the offices of the lawyers who made
the people's wills, the banks where the people
kept their money, the shops of the
undertakers who made the people's coffins, the
churchyards where the people were buried,
but not the Registry where the people's wills
were taken care of. "Very extraordinary!"
said Mr. Wallace. "In the great city of a
great ecclesiastical see, where all kinds ol
moving reverses and disasters have been
occurring for many centuries; where the
Romans were, where the Danes were, where
the Normans were; where fire and sword
and pillage and massacre were, again and
again; where Ulphus the son of Toraldus
hung up his drinking-horn of elephant's-
tooth at the altar, and, by that token filled
with wine, bestowed his fruitful lands upon
the church; where all manner of old
foundation and usage, piety, and superstition,
were, and a great deal of modern wealth
is, a very interesting and an unimpeachable
Registry there must be, somewhere!"

In search of this great public edifice, the
indefatigable Mr. Wallace prowled through
the city. He discovered many mansions,

Profile Information

Application afterLoad: 0.000 seconds, 0.28 MB
Application afterInitialise: 0.017 seconds, 1.00 MB
Application afterRoute: 0.022 seconds, 2.05 MB
Application afterDispatch: 0.083 seconds, 3.59 MB
Application afterRender: 0.124 seconds, 3.92 MB

Memory Usage

4140320

21 queries logged

  1. SELECT *
      FROM jos_session
      WHERE session_id = '79e0b6fd8a2484d27db5094f9f4e13b7'
  2. DELETE
      FROM jos_session
      WHERE ( TIME < '1657054630' )
  3. SELECT *
      FROM jos_session
      WHERE session_id = '79e0b6fd8a2484d27db5094f9f4e13b7'
  4. INSERT INTO `jos_session` ( `session_id`,`time`,`username`,`gid`,`guest`,`client_id` )
      VALUES ( '79e0b6fd8a2484d27db5094f9f4e13b7','1657056430','','0','1','0' )
  5. SELECT *
      FROM jos_components
      WHERE parent = 0
  6. SELECT folder AS TYPE, element AS name, params
      FROM jos_plugins
      WHERE published >= 1
      AND access <= 0
      ORDER BY ordering
  7. SELECT id
      FROM jos_toc_pages
      WHERE alias = 'page-25'
  8. SELECT id
      FROM jos_toc_pages
      WHERE alias = 'page-25'
  9. SELECT *
      FROM jos_toc_pages
      WHERE id = '86'
  10. UPDATE jos_toc_pages
      SET hits = ( hits + 1 )
      WHERE id='86'
  11. SELECT template
      FROM jos_templates_menu
      WHERE client_id = 0
      AND (menuid = 0 OR menuid = 60)
      ORDER BY menuid DESC
      LIMIT 0, 1
  12. SELECT *
      FROM jos_toc_pages
      WHERE alias = 'page-25'
      AND id_volume = 4
  13. SELECT *
      FROM jos_toc_volumes
      WHERE id = '4'
  14. SELECT *
      FROM jos_toc_magazines
      WHERE id = '34'
  15. SELECT id, title,alias
      FROM jos_toc_pages
      WHERE  id_volume = 4
      ORDER BY ordering ASC
  16. SELECT id, DATE, id_page
      FROM jos_toc_magazines
      WHERE  id_volume = 4
      ORDER BY ordering ASC
  17. SELECT *
      FROM jos_toc_parameter
      WHERE `group` = 'voice'
  18. SELECT *
      FROM jos_toc_parameter
      WHERE `group` = 'voice'
  19. SELECT id, title,alias
      FROM jos_toc_pages
      WHERE id_volume = 4
      AND ordering > 34
      ORDER BY ordering ASC
      LIMIT 1
  20. SELECT id, title,alias
      FROM jos_toc_pages
      WHERE id_volume = 4
      AND ordering < 34
      ORDER BY ordering DESC
      LIMIT 1
  21. SELECT id, title, module, POSITION, content, showtitle, control, params
      FROM jos_modules AS m
      LEFT JOIN jos_modules_menu AS mm
      ON mm.moduleid = m.id
      WHERE m.published = 1
      AND m.access <= 0
      AND m.client_id = 0
      AND ( mm.menuid = 60 OR mm.menuid = 0 )
      ORDER BY POSITION, ordering

Language Files Loaded

Untranslated Strings Diagnostic

None

Untranslated Strings Designer

None